| Undiscerning Pomegranate Smith's songs of Batavia Doldrums & Midwest Despondency |
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Lorax 177 (Minion O' Gozer)
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| Never cross the great magnet, I understood this now. |
[08 Jul 2009|03:47pm] |
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The Offspring - Why Don't You Get A Job? |
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Some things I am coming to understand, slowly. There are times, smells, sounds that invoke feelings in me that I was unsure of before. For years they were merely happy thoughts. No, I'm starting to comprehend that what these things all are, what they are pushing me towards, is me being who I feel most comfortable being. The me that is me that I hadn't even realized I was.
The fact that there's something about listening to Steely Dan as I drive in the rain and walking the streets of Manhattan on my own that feels the same, feels right. There's something about crossing the Fox River by bridge on my way home every day that smells like burning incense on a humid day. Something about having kung pao chicken that tastes like a certain person's smile, like a long night drive to nowhere in a thunderstorm or a Saturday night, thin crust pizza in the suburbs.
All of this feels right but what feels right about it most isn't doing these things, experiencing it all the same way time and time again. Get it? It's not about the pizza or Steely Dan or New York. It's about what feels right to me at the moment, in the now. The now became then and the then to come will end up being now and I don't have to focus on anything but the center, the part of my life that I'm the center of. Oddly, there is something to be said for being so self centered that you can feel everyone and everything around you. That's a point where it feels like I'm at right now.
I guess, in short, you can say I grew up at some point here, recently, and I'm tasting what that all means after thirty plus odd years of wondering like what that would be when it happened as I pretended I was a grown up. So, while I sit here in my office I am under a white board with tasks on it. In the center, in big green letters, is the word EXPECTATIONS. It's a reminder that I have none, I should have none. When I lose sight of that it all falls apart.
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(Whoa, Black Betty)
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| You don't have to mean it. You just to say it anyway. |
[04 Jul 2009|10:20pm] |
Fourth of July. The night fireworks the last couple of years has been a time for me to slow down and be introspective about the summer so far and, quite frankly, the introspections over the past few times have been nothing but bleak. Sure I am thankful for what I have and my life so far but there's always either been the feeling of something missing or something off. Plenty of times the introspection is nothing more then a calm before the financial storm, a quiet spot where no one is looking for cash from me. Then there's the fact that V is so close to me and having emotional issues that keep the whole night from being completely relaxing.
This year was different. This year I was able to sit there with my earphones on, lay my head back and just look up into the sky. I actually didn't see more then a quarter of fireworks at a time really but it's not about the looking or the listening even, it's about being in the moment, being on the grass underneath the large colorful explosions while the warm (warm-ish this year) happens. I thought about the summer so far. I think about the summer to come. I realize it all means nothing because I'm there in at that space in time and moment of Earth.
Summer's been going better this year, with the actual prospect for it to continue to be good and develop into amazing ahead, but I really need to stop thinking about it that way. When I do I end up feeling as if I'm not in the moment so much as I am in limbo. There's this...thing that I am trying to make happen and the only way for it to budge in the direction I am going is to not touch it, not even look at it. It just has to happen and I'm really not a 'just has to happen' sort of guy when it comes to these....things. Still, it's killing me. It's driving my frustration to the point I'm in serious need of joining a fight club, which also doesn't help because even showing the most minuscule form of frustration with this is going to hurt. So, I keep my game face on when the time is needed and am a driven a-hole the rest of the time when the thing isn't about and I am thinking about it.
That's really all I have to say about it. Otherwise, half and hour ago you would have found me sitting on a beach towel at the Batavia park where the fireworks are going off, blocks from out house. My earphones were in my ears as the night's explosions were set to You Don't Have To Mean It by the Rolling Stones and I had a dopey smile on my face as I fought my right hand from picking up my cell phone and checking it. Full senses working overtime and enjoying this, right now.
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(Whoa, Black Betty)
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| Gimme a bullet to bite on and I'll make believe it's you. |
[02 Jul 2009|12:13pm] |
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Matchbox 20 - Real World |
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Tuesday morning, after being up all night driving, I sat there with my hands on the wheel and watched the sun slowly rise over the state of Pennsylvania. It's been a while since I've seen the sunrise because it wasn't winter where the days are so short and late to start. It was warm, cool for a June day though, and cloudy.
Only recently did I realize how much the twilight makes me feel alive, as the sun sets and the light tries to make itself bright as less of it happens. The way the sky and clouds turn hues of orange and pink and purple before fading out. Being near civilization always makes it seem brighter as the sunset is augmented with the car and street lights that come on in the slight darkness. It's made better if there's shine covering everything from rain at the same time, making a glow.
Civilization helps me feel this way too. In the deepest of my depression this year I realized that, as much as I hate people and being around them that being around a crowd makes me feel better, being part of a crowd even. I never knew that about myself until I let my guard down to myself.
This morning, I noticed it was the opposite, the fading darkness and growing light. I was there with three sleeping people in the car in a solitary moment of peace, realizing how the sunset and sunrise are the same. How the end is just another view of the beginning.
This all played in my mind in a calm way. My life is such a flux right now, which isn't bad. Like I said, beginnings and ends are the same. It's the middle where the meat of life is.
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(Whoa, Black Betty)
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| I have looked all over the place but you have got my favorite face. |
[23 Jun 2009|04:51pm] |
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Foo Fighters - Generator |
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How quickly people around here forget. This week has been the first real burst of summer. Chicago weather, equal parts humid and hot with short stretches of intense rain storms. It's what is called weather. Not a huge deal but enough to make everyone either stay in their houses or somewhere with air conditioning. Just less then six months ago people were on the verge of some sort of Eskimoesque murder-suicide rampage from the cold and the snow.
Oh the snow. I think that's pretty much every would say in between every sentence. Pile up 10 feet of snow in front of Chicagoians over a couple months and they will splay their heart in front of you.
Now it's in the low 90's, the way it is every year, with heat indexes pushing the 100's and people call you crazy for walking outside for more then 20 feet. This is the weather we were waiting, no praying for. All those promises of "if we make it through this winter I will never complain about the summer again" lost, gone.
For me, I'm off to ride several miles home from work on my bike with a big, sweaty smile on my face.
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(2 comments|Whoa, Black Betty)
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